This has been on my mind for such a long time now.
About five months ago, I had two people who's options I trust very deeply express to me that they felt I was living to much into my illness. What does that mean? Well......
I have chronic Lyme disease, Hashimoto's thyroiditis, chronic fatigue syndrome, endometriosis, depression... the list goes on. For the past 4 to 5 years, I have been letting my health dictate my life. I have allowed myself to become defined by my health conditions. I got to the point where life had been so hard for so long, that I basically gave up. Now not in end my life sort of way, but in a I just don't care anymore sort of way. Let me explain.
For so long, things where not working in my favor. I would start school, just to flunk out because I was to ill to concentrate on my work. I tried to have a job, but I was always so tired I could not stay awake long enough. My friendships where falling apart around me because I was unable to participate in 'life' like before. Every time I thought I was on the road to recovery, more illnesses would be diagnosed. I would need another surgery. So I gave up. Why try when all you are going to do is fail? I HATE failure. For me it was better not to try at all, then to try and try and try and keep failing. After all, my health has only gotten worse, so why should I believe I can now do the things I couldn't before?
The thing is, I became consumed by this "I can't" state of mind. I would allow my illness to tell me what I can and can not do. I would fall back on it when something was hard. Sure there are times where I truly can't. It's not a matter of over thinking or being dramatic. It's a matter of I am physically or mentally unable to preform the task that is being asked of me. You wouldn't expect a paraplegic to walk up a set of stairs, they can't. No matter how much they want to, it's not physically possible. Sometimes it's the same with me. No manner of wishful thinking or 'pushing through' is going to change that. But there are things I can change.
I can change how I view life. I can get out of this fear of failure. I do not want to be defined by my illness. Yes, I will always have these illnesses. They are apart of me, but they are not me. I can start to try again. I can relearn my limits, my strengths and yes, my weaknesses. Does this mean I can jump up, get a job, start attending all the events and doing all the extra things I used to do with my life? NO. I am still sick. I am still disabled. The only difference is I am no longer going to let that define me.
I will do my best to try. I can move forward knowing that while I have limitations, life is still worth living. I've started noticing all the good instead of all the bad. I've been learning to listen to my body, to know when I can go a bit farther and know when I truly need to rest, not just want to rest. This will be an ongoing, life long battle. Some days are good, others are bad. That's life as a chronically ill person. I am learning how to be a person who also has a disability, not a disabled person. That may seem like the same thing to you, but it's all how you view it. I'm not perfect, I never will be, but at least I can try and live my life to the fullest I can.
